May month

Diary 日記
Lily of the valley

oh hi
Welcome to my new diary room.
I've been journaling time to time.
私は自分の人生の一節を左右に書きます。
About my life & my project

and friends

Woke up at 7am, even before. Everyone is asleep, calm, humid. I wonder how is people's life ? What are they doing and what I suppose to do ?
I need to fulfill that void, to do something. I need to move smarter, I need to organise.

In the world, there are different types of people.
People who drinks tea or coffee.
People who shower the evening or in the morning.
People who ask tons of things, or never asking.
People who are extraverts or introverts.
People who lives loudly or quietly.
People who will act directly and people who will miss the opportunity.
People who will think before and people who will be totally spontaneous.
They are the chaotic ones, the orderly ones.

Of course, the world we live in isn't binary, and there are so many different shades.

People like me, I am feeling it, are like flowers that doing their best to bloom. We are discreet, quiet, fragile.
I sometimes am afraid people who steps on me so easily. But for the tiny insects, I might appears utterly immense, monumental, and as a strong structure.
I like the idea of macrocosm and microcosm.

~*~

Today I managed to go out and walk outside, the weather was lovely. I was wearing that floral dress that I found in second hand. The fabric of the dress is so soft, the length is pretty long, hopefully i am 163cm tall.
I took my laced gloves and a book. I sit on a bench around the ponds face to the sun, the rays were so gentle.
There was a little flea market in the street where I use to wait the bus to go back home at my mom's place when I was younger, I don't have much money lately so I was just observing people.
I was thinking of the characters of the book while wandering, thinking of them make me feel lighter, different, intouchable. It elevates my mind from material reality. I am a dreamer.

~*~

I struggle to make choices and decisions.
And so I have to find a solutions to make it easier and faster. I adopted the "head or tails" method, by tossing a coin into the air and seeing which side lands up.
The final decision is on my own, but basically I believe in the symbolism and signs of life is giving.

My current main complex concern is about leaving or staying in my appartment.

Why should I stay ?
- it's really hard to find new appartement
- I am afraid to overwhelming my mother with my stuffs
- It's easier to live in the city if I want to study --- that option is giving me a hope to stay, but I don't know wat I want to study and in what kind of school
- I am lucky to have found this place and settle down here, in a place i love
- I live near the forest
- Moving is hard for me and I am afraid to have regrets about this place
- There are cherry trees blossoming in April (but the city is starting to remove these trees for reasons)
- It's my sanctuary
- Public transports are easy to reach (station, bus and tram stop)
- The living room is super cosy and there are three huge windows
- Neighborhood is kind, and I am afraid of the toxicity of my mother if i come back home, I'll feel like I failed. Or she will tell me to work of study or just badly tell me that I am failing. I must be aware to stay away from her chronicle constant evilness.
- I am still looking for experiences such as loving someone, and provide them a safeplace
- I feel safe from the world here and it soothes my hate

Why should I leave ?
- I pay monthly a rent of 1300e alone
- I could leave all me treasures to my mom's place and take care of her
- I don't have enough incomes (less than 1117e/month) or job
- I live alone and this is a apt for two (because there are are two sinks (for a couple or family))
- I feel professionally stuck
- I could travel in Japan with the money I spend and lose for the appartment (but am I ready to travel ?)
- I think I just need a room, and I miss having a condensed place (111m² is the superficy of the place)
- I have to find a roomate, but I trust no one and is afraid
- I think I should live alone and eat less (or share a kitchen with someone)
- I could sleep in different places, or just be a wanderer
- I am losing the ability to be spontaneous in my cosiness, and so living experiences.
- The contract of the apt is three years, and so it means if i stay, I will be 27 when I leave. (Will I be still able to travel ?)
- I know there is a place where I can go but it is still a work in progress (a house)

I am thinking. Again and again. What would be the best choice ? I am afraid to go too far, and I am afraid of rotting here.
Negociations
Asking for the room under the roof (i have too many stuffs in my room...)
Depending of my brother's plan (if he leaves the home and my mom is alone, i should come back)

Woke up quite early today,
Bought my first strawberries of the season today ! it was in a little combini they cost 3,99e.

Let's discuss about the situation again, I don't feel the need to move from my house. I feel my roots and I feel happy here.

~*~

Organising a little bday party this Monday 20, thematic will be " Nostalgia" ! (*> v <*)

___

I met that calligraph master, went to a tattoo convention, saw some good old friends.
Archived images on my account.
Fell in love. mutliples times. With life, with my miserable insane body shape of someone who looks like dying.
I own a little notebook where I wrote my unsaid feelings and fictive daydreams. It really helps me to process before throwing my words to the external world.
Received gratitude from my brother and my teachers.
Wearing a sukajan.

"Suis-je si facilement influençable que la simple rencontre avec quelqu'un me donne envie de tout reconstruire ? De réfléchir à pleins de solutions afin de coexister avce ces êtres ? Malheureusement je ne suis pas très courageux.se, mon endurance est limitée. Mais j'aime tant avec le coeur que j'en perds la raison."

Rewatching Skins again. It brings back so many nostalgic memories, feelings, moments. Being young, careless. Free. I miss that time of my life, the adulthood brushed it in a blink of an eye, but in a way, I feel like, it's still there (forever)

I adore Sid and Cassie from generation one.

Watching Skins season 7 ! Finally, I am feeling healthy and light-hearted to watch it again. Starting with Pure, with Cassie. I love her so much.

" Wake up, everything is your choice "

The little house is surrounded with green little gardens, the new leaves growing seem so strongly attached to their roots, tree's branches are clattering against the window on windy days, and the sky is always changing. There are birds chirping in the morning, sometimes I hear the noise of a tram passing by. Living alone here, offering a very chilly atmosphere, sometimes unbearably cold. But sometimes I receive visits. Friends, meetings.
The house has a bush that is blooming in May, until the winter. The flowers smell like raspberry. In the neighborhood there are very different kind of people, such as families, couples, a guy who has a dog. I like observing them. I wonder how I look to them. The morning is rising, we are the 5th month, many flea markets take place on Sundays. We are Wednesday today, I was supposed to make a call but it seems the agence is closed. At the university, students are manifesting. I am locked in this apartment, locked in the open golden cage. But sometimes people come visit me.

When I feel like it, in the quiet living room I read books. Concentrating, opening universe, reading through letters, discovering biographies, ways of living and thinking ; it makes me feel like living and learning about life.
At the moment, I am reading " The Diary of Anaïs Nin " and this inspire me so much.

Ask an IA where should you be at that age (20 - 25 - 30 - 35) to structure and being aware of the norms milestones and goals.
- Adventure goals : Traveling solo : Embark on a solo trip. Go to concerts. Enjoy your freedom and youth. It’s an opportunity to boost self-confidence, get to know yourself better, and explore new places without any constraints

- Every Day Life Goals : Move out and look after yourself: Consider living independently. Learning to manage household chores, bills, and responsibilities is essential

- Career goals : Be ambitious and taste different career options: Explore various fields. Internships, part-time jobs, or volunteering can help you discover what you enjoy and where your strengths lie

- Happiness Goals : See the World: Traveling not only broadens your horizons but also provides memorable experiences. Explore different cultures, cuisines, and landscapes.
Get in Amazing Shape: Prioritize your health and fitness. Regular exercise and a balanced diet contribute to overall well-being.
Think Independently of Your Parents: Develop your own opinions and beliefs. It’s essential to form an independent worldview.

at the age of 30 :

- Visit places
- Accept who you are : Self-acceptance is a noble goal. In a society that often pressures us to compare ourselves with others, learning to embrace our true selves and forgive our mistakes is essential for personal growth
- Be friends with your parents : As we transition from childhood to adulthood, our perception of our parents evolves. Getting to know them as friends rather than just family members can be a rewarding experience. Remember, they’re human too, with their own struggles and feelings
- Host an adult dinner party : Planning a menu, cooking a meal, and hosting friends or loved ones for dinner is a wonderful way to show you care. Don’t worry about having mismatched plates and silverware—what matters is the effort and connection you create
- Ask for a raise at work : Advocating for yourself in the workplace is crucial. If you’ve been working hard without recognition, don’t hesitate to ask for what you deserve. The worst that can happen is a refusal but you’ll gain confidence and assertiveness in the process
- Quit your job altogether : Sometimes, leaving a job that no longer serves you is necessary. Whether it’s for personal growth, pursuing a passion, or finding a better fit, don’t be afraid to take that leap of faith
- Stop caring what people think
- Practice meditation
- Learn a new skill—just for you
- Learn how to handle sadness

Month of May