He was dropped back into reality.
His gaze wandered around the room for a moment.

The pain it still remains And I'll just get denied The feel it still remains someday I'll fly away So let it all go by Looking at deep blue sky The vision like a shining star I don't know where to go
In particular, he needed to be extra careful about his health. The hospital wasn't an option. He refuse to be a burden. The dim, flickering light of the street lamps only served to emphazise the emptiness around him. After so many nights deprived of sleep, Youji could just drop. There was no escape from the misery.
I need you here by my side
... but no one was there. All that lay behind him was the sparkling darkness of night. It felt like time has stopped ; Outside, the world went on, rain or shine, but inside this room, none of that mattered. Things were changing, slowly but surely. Nothing could stay the same from one moment to the next. Transformation, metamorphosis. Changes unseen, or simply unnoticed. There was no going back. Even if he tried, that too would bring change. Nothing lasted forever. For once, his condition was stable. (...) shredding his tranquility like a knife. Memories rose with crystal clarity. Youji stared at him, unable to believe this. Tetsuo was so close. Suffocatingly close. "What do you want ?" Before he could stop himself, the words had left his lips in a whisper. ... ... ... The halls were as silent as the grave. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even blink. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. An unfeeling machine. His mind had gone blank. "That's nothing" It seemed that Tetsuo was more interested in Youji's eating habits than his bleeding spell yesterday. Fear ran down his spine like a drop of frigid water. Tetsuo straightened up and released Youji's hand- After Tetsuo was gone, Youji collapsed to his knees For a while, he just stared into space. Then finally, he staggered to his feet and got dressed. He couldn't think. His body was on autopilot as it carried him from the stall. He hated himself for being so weak. Dusk had fallen, and the campus was dyed a mix of dull colors. Beneath the darkening sky, Youji passed through the gate and headed for the train station __ As soon as he arrived home, Youji tossed his bookbag to the floor and collapsed into bed. He didn't want to think about anything. He didn't want to remember. He lay there, still as a corpse, for what felt like hours. It spread like paint in his mind, slowly resolving into a different image : the incident in the boys bathroom earlier today. At times like these, his mind always replayed the memory framy-by-frame, in perfect details. He closed his eyes to fight it. For the time being, he just wanted to keep his mind blank. He was in no mood to face reality right now. The air smelled of plants and water, like a dewy meadow His name fell from his lips. But Youji never talked about it. Whenever Makoto tried to ask him about his condition, the dark-haired Youji would just shake his head and say that he was fine. Youji's condition seemed to be getting worse, too. Irrational though it was, Makoto couldn't help but worry that he might disappear one day. As the night breeze washed over him, he stared to feel more and more pathetic. His actions never made much sense. He turned to look in his direction, cigarette pinched between his fingers. (Kitani) In that instant, Makoto felt like a complete and total failure. (note : he wanted to call Youji, but he noticed he didn't have his phone number lol) Thinking about it, Makoto realized that he hardly know anything about Youji. The next morning, the sky was covered with dark clouds that threatened rain at any second.
The rain Clearing above The pain Is going away......
Somehow, it just... wasn't enough. While speaking, Zenya continued to smack the door over and over and over. Youji followed him out of the classroom, feeling like a lamb before the slaughter. Then, Zenya started laughing like he was having the time of his life. What... kind of nonsense was that ? - Not human. The words stuck in his heart. It was ridiculous. Insane. The dull pain echoed through his gut, turning his world grey. Before he knew it, he was lying on the ground. Zenya screamed as he sent kick after fick into Youji's somach, shoulders, back - anywhere he could reach. " See ? See ? See ?!" The pain was a blur now, a haze that enveloped his whole body, and he could do nothing but grit his teeth and bear it. His senses were beginning to fade into the agony. ~~~~ In the light of the cathode rays, Tetsuo looked so unguarded, so vulnerable... so hurt. What had he done to deserve this ? He felt like a pawn in someone else's game, forced to dance the whims of some malevolent puppetmaster. There was no light at the end of this tunnel. All of sudden, Youji felt his anxiety spike. Panic set in, and his chest grew tight. His flesh demanded freedom, release. Pain. Pain. Endless pain His protests were wasted? He knew Tetsuo wouldn't listen. But he had to say something, or the terror would overwhelm him. He didn't want to think about anything, or go anywhere, or deal with anyone. Thankfully, it was the weekend, and he has no reason to leave the house. He didn't know whether it was night or day. He wandered in and out of faint dreams, sleeping a bit and then waking before eventually falling asleep once more. The only thing that remained constant was the drone of the rain beating against his window. He could fix his body, but not his heart. There was nothing left. Everything was just... misery. Burying his face against his knees, Y gave in to the quietude of darkness. ~~~~~~~~ His body was no longer under his control At the time, Kitani had been contemplating suicide. Or murder. He told himself that this was proof of his weakness. - Leave me alone - Just let me die. Youji drifted on the boundary between dreams and reality. All he wanted was to sleep but his brain refused to let him. He had lost all sense of time. Someone was standing at the gateway between the safety of home and the dangers of the outside world Everything was so messed up Everything was awful, everything to blame "Its cold, sterile beauty remained untarnished." Nothing last forever. He just wanted to know the cause. Not knowing was far, far worse. It felt like an eternity had passed since the last time he'd walked through the oustide world. But behind the idle gossip, Y could sense some hostility from the others. None of them even knew T. They had no idea what he was thinking or what he'd been through. He fell silent, clearly hurt by this. I mean, he's always by himself, and he's kinda unapprochoable, right ? But he's not a bad kid. Quite the opposite, really... It's just that you can never tell what he's thinking. His absentminded personality was something new to Makoto, he wants to find out what was going on inside. Perhaps that was why he felt so nervous seeing Tetsuo and Youji together. He was anxious about losing his place as Youji's friend. Makoto's own thoughts filled him with shame. He knew his attachment to Youji wasn't healthy. All Makoto wanted was to help. He just wanted Youji to trust him. Why wasn't he good enough ? For the time being, he needed to keep Tetsuo and Youji from growing any closer. He needed Youji to choose him. Of course... Makoto wanted Youji for himself.
The day we first met I couldn't take my eyes off you You were young and reckless In a world so cold and cruel God means nothing. Need to taste your lips Life is meaningless, the touch of your skin We both know we can feel it We both know the pain's true
The silence was unbearable. ~~~~~~ Recently, he's started to understand why he found Tetsuo so intimidating. Whenever Tetsuo looked at you, he always looked directly into your eyes. And it wasn't like he was trying to feel you out, of gauge your reaction. He just stared straight at you, and never looked away. If you can't coexist, your only option is to take over. The myrmecoleon is only a legend, but the world we live in can be just as cruel. Tetsuo stopped and looked back at him. There was something... animal in those sharp eyes. He didn't answer... but he knew his silence was as good as a yes. Why did he seem so desperate ? Still, Youji had a feeling that Makoto needed help. Kitani knew there was nothing he could so, and it was the worst feeling in the world. - Defective. The word had been hurled at him countless times... even by "him". And that word had stabbed him in the heart like a knife. His face was unreadable... impenetrable. More than that, however, his pride wouldn't let him accept the offering, not after he's made a fool of himself by forgetting his books. What're so mad about ? I'm not mad ! Youji began to feel uncomfortable. Was Tetsuo getting sick of his attitude ? Fear shut up his spine, and his body went rigid. As panic set in, he felt the urge to scream. Nothing about this situation was normal. Tetsuo's hand fell still for a moment... then began to move again. He remained as silent as ever. He really was like an animal, acting purely on instinct. But in terms of avoiding the public eye, it was a perfectly valid option. He entered the classroom full of worry. His gaze shifted to the window. Outside, the sky had darkened to a deep cobalt blue. All his life he went, he'd felt like an outsider. He didn't know how to be like everyone else, so he'd never tried. It had left a gaping hole in his heart that would fill with aching loneliness at the worst possible times. And he had no way of fixing it. Suffering in silence was the only way he'd known how to survive. He'd told himself that everything would be fine so long as he avoided creating problems for others. Slowly he rose from the abyss of sleep. The conversation died there. Youji's heart was pounding so hard, it hurts to breathe. And yet for some reason, he couldn't bear to let the conversation end like that. His body felt as light as a feather. Why not try talking to him ? Well, he doesn't really talk much. Youji had never tried that before, with anyone. Still, he appreciated the opportunity to look at it from another point of view. He was exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. Desperate times called for desperate measures. But the more Youji thought about it, the more it made sense. Makoto was happy He had lots of friends, and his parents where still alive. If this was really the first time he'd failed to get what he wanted, it probably hurt like hell. Truth be told, Youji envied him. Still it hurts to see Makoto in such pain. Instantly, he recalled Makoto's face, that heartwrenching expression between crying and laughter. With a heavy heart, Youji put the cutter in his bag. Somehow, he couldn't leave it lying there. Nervous, Youji walked inside to discover the telltale silence of an empty house. His answer had been uncharacteristically... delicate. He must have an emptiness in his heart that even her kindness couldn't fill. He was perpetually alone. Eternally empty. What're going to do Youji ? You're just gonna keep breaking everything you care about. You know that, right ? Everyone will suffer... because of you. Did you hear how Makoto ended up in the hospital ? They say he overdosed on sleeping pills ! But hasn't he been kinda depressed lately ? They say he's broken. Everyone will suffer... because of you. The knife in his heart dug deeper. But what if he had been screwing up other people's life simply by existing ? Please write back. Pain erupted in his skull. He must've knocked it against something. His body felt like it was being crushed. Amid confusion and fear, Youji sank into darkness. When he tried to sit up, pain shot trhuogh his body. He was covered from head to toe in bandages. There was a machine beeping rhythmically somewhere nearby. Just staring and staring... almost like you were... searching for something. I'll keep you safe. I promise. You died and came back to life. You're not humain You will make everyone suffer. I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen to you... and I got so afraid. Nothing is forever. Never forget, everything you have could change at any moment. You have to be strong enough to accept these changes and overcome them... no matter how big or small.
Every time we embraced I had tasted love like hot blood But you remember that madness in your side I'm diving deep Now gliding in the sky Can't you see my eyes ? Can't you hear my voice ? Can't you feel my skin ? You're leaving me there I am...... Bleeding inside my eyes
Forgiveness. Understanding. Acceptance. The loneliness, isolation and anxiety that came with nor knowing your place in the world... T carried those same scars. Every time he smelled Tetsuo's scent, it spaked a desire that he couldn't control. Y wanted to be an active participant in their friendship. Maybe then, things would be different. Maybe, if he just gave it a chance, they could have something truly special. Makoto seemed calmer now, and the misery had vanished from his eyes. I was just scared that he was gonna take you from me.... He can be really intimidating but i'm sure he's not that scary once you get to know him. He smiled, his eyes red and puffy. Going forward, you will encounter more problems like this one... and you won't be able to resolve them quietly. Going it alone, would be far, far worse. I wished deseperately to behold his flawless beauty one more time. There, in the basement, I found him lying on a white pedestal... covered in blood, his body in ruins. Do you have any idea the hell I've been through ? I'm a rotting corpse ! Thanks to this worthless, fucked-up body ! Deep down... he was lonely. Right now... I just want to be with you. Maybe their relationship was nothing but two people desperate for solace. Eternity seemed so much brighter with someone by his side. (- logs from the visual novel Sweet Pool)



少し 好かれたかな。

なに あてる て いらわて も ? おれ も よく わかね も。


でも 値 スコk差 名前期 だよ 値 ?
上屋 わ 先生 だろ ?


scene 01

scene 02

chills 01

chills 02

strain 01




I'm in Blue

Diving Deep

The red Road

Miracles May

The Hunger


Good-bye my pain - Pale Green