June's diary
Mind is stuck in the ether
Burning my lungs to fly
I forget to drink or I drink to forget
Too much
I lay down on the earth, giving up
The roots are piercing my heart


Bad fucking news. 
Well, it's about the place I live. I live alone, we were supposed to live in duo but it seems, everyone left me.
I feel abandoned, once fucking again. Like always, i am not even that surprised. Well, it's been months now. I've been struggling and finding myself.
I have found a job. I don't earn enough. I stopped eating for a while to make economy.
I don't really need anything, I kill myself a little bit more each day.
I need a guarantor to sign my contract, but... I have no one, and i don't earn enough to pay the rent.
My parents said I should leave this appartment. I told my landlord I had a friend to help me, but I lied, that friend fucking left me (and that's partially my fault also sigh)
and I asked some close adults friends to help me. They refused. They don't trust me i started to believe. no one trust me. And I trust no one, that the thing. I always thought I could do all the thing alone, but i am so deeply wrong, living alone is the death of me. I found partners, but I don't want them like they want me. and it hurts.
I keep searching. I keep destroying. Half assing my communicate skills with fast typed messages, missing calls. Family is distancing. I am distancing.
I am failing, again.


Cutting ties
Going manifesting in the metropole centrum, if you never hear about me ever again, it means i am dead beaten up by cops

There are enveloppes on my desk destinated to some of my friends after my death lol tell my mom i had fun living on the earth (if i survive i really really should do a post-mortem page to write official information because everything if so scattered bruh)
kind words of May
Can I say that i have hyperfixations ? I adore that by the way. Liking things, being and seeing immeasurable love toward something. I like liking things.

"The little girl I was, sometimes loved glitter, sometimes hated them. But now I grasp the reason behind the love and the hate. I appreciate the attitude of excessive girliness because I understand a provocative intention that ironically ressemble punk attitude. Refusing to be invisible. Refusing to pretend to fit the standards of imperial “high culture”. Loud and shameless." - All my friends are Bettys, E. Hopchet

Reading Anais Nin 's diary.
Watching Henry & June (1990) film

May has been thought, sometimes fine, sometimes very very stressful. I choose this path, but I have no idea how to deal with spontaneous relationships sometimes and I am half-assing the contact. Because of my fault, I let in view messages, abandon half way my projects. I used to create a little bit here, and there and somewhere else and... yeah.
I need to focus. To stop wanting to die.
Have I the right to live even ? I keep wandering staring blankly at tomorrow.

Never felt so alive. I am breathing this rainy and humid air, smoking travelers that stop in the street
My life is deterioring, as my lungs Listening loudly at music, sometimes quietness is blooming in my mind I met that artist who has a beautiful handwritings, I like his hands I am certain that I will not least They smoke a lot, they talk too much Loudly in my head

April fool !! I am not a funny person but a really really serious hardworker (it's a lie)

Always liked the month of April... It reminds me the start of spring, the cherry trees blossoming.
It's raining tonight. The sky was very very blue some hours ago. I told myself to sleep earlier, to get up earlier. To try to stop listening music after 10pm because it doesn't help me to sleep. To stop smoking after 2am. Well. It's 23:52 and i am craving a cig like never...

My fridge is empty. I haven't bought any food in a while now.
I was supposed to live healthier... GRRR
But maybe I just need that time to... reconstruct myself.
Pray for me///

Lately I was feeling a little bit melancholic. I drew in my sketchbook some OC. Can not manage myself to draw on digital. My eyes hurt, but I still can spend HOURS scrolling on my phone. oughhh I don't like how my old habits are taking control over me.

My plan to work for Kuroge's page was a success.
Because I really felt like a unsuccessful artist lately, at least I can manage to make my character live.
I mean... Kuroge's story is kind of tragic because he is the very dark part of myself i romantize about. Some quotes of his story is written in french and japanese because my brain was able to imagine it in these specific languages only.
I feel a little bit sad for him. But this character is a reflect of my negligence towards myself, the very red flag I shouldn't step in. The limit i should never cross. He's kind of showing me the worst way I could live, in a endless suffering spiral of despair. He is a part of me, somehow.
I didn't mean to be that dark, especially for the April month-
But yeah, this year 2024 i just want to make a little shrine for him and only his universe because this character is so important to me. The whole story of his own is here.

Cleaned the windows. My neighbour throw away some plants I've display in the sun, thinking they were trash. I am slowly emerging from my negligence, and lack of communication, I've using less and less my phone. I'm contemplating rays of sun. Flowers in my street. Real life.

Today is the birthday of Laetitia, she is a friend, born on 6 april 2002 and end her life on 28 october 2022. She was so young, such a kind person... I remember... her eyes and her sympathy, her curiosity to darkness. I remember receiving bad vibe from her ex telling me how unhealthy and odd she was, but she really was an entity, a singular human being with flaws and a complex background. I loved her, somehow i envy her also, because she is someone I will never be. She is such a courageous person and a sensible soul.
We were so young. The month of October was tragic for us, and everyone around me. When I received the new that she committed her suicide , it felt to unreal. A immense void, created in the space-time in my head.
I was thinking to pass by the cemetery and lay some flowers for her. I miss her, and I understand even more her loneliness in the world.

For some reasons, I struggle to see and find happiness in the world around me. I feel like a wandering ghost retrieving slowwwwly memories after the events are done. I am not really sur le qui-vive. "Mon esprit vif est comme paralysé par le désir de m'enfuir à toute jambe vers un endroit où personne ne me verrait. Pourquoi.
Quels sont les simples moments de bonheur que tu as eu dans ta vie ?
Note l'importance de ceux-ci.

Avoir la sensation de...
vouloir être seul, mais pas abandonné."
Considérez tout, chaque détail, chaque attention.
Be kind with people, always
Respect their struggles, their differences
Be patient
You have no idea what they have been through and you only can observe a little percentage of their inner soul for a very short moment of their life.
You will never see the full potential of someone, so please consider people, as your equal

It's okay to take time
Spring is here, you are full of potential
You will live this year
Again, and the cycle will repeating

Just let the air make you feel like you live
Let the emotions taking all over you
Let yourself being submerged with simple feelings
Be grateful to be human, you will woke up again
Accept the struggle, accept the love
The growing soul you are will aims you to a beautiful future

We will meet again

Solitude is just an essential need
When you come home from a nice day, and feeling happy and inspired
Please believe in yourself
Say out loud that you deserve the world
The love of the world
Make pretty thing

It will heal you to think bout happy things.
It will happen !!!

There is... an unmotivated moment in my life.
I don't want anything, anyone, any existence near me. I am having that dark cloud all over my head, inside my chest, deep hidden in my guts.
I succomb and ate too much. I had crisis. And my body revenged itself. I can not eat anything anymore. I am puking liters and liters of bile. I am sick. My skin is turning grey. I can't even talk to it to anyone because it's insane, and people need joy. I am afraid to ask for help. I am telling myself everyday that i should die. I dreamt of my family. I am scared because I live isolated. I feel loneliness more and more and more and more and more. I can not even cry. Tears won't come. I am afraid. Something bad will happen. It will happen.

OD OD OD OD OD overdosing everything consume consume consume...

The holy fiction that healed me.

It's raining a lot today.
I forgot how to play piano and it's frustrating. I feel scared to disturb my neighbors when making noise, playing music, even coughing or opening a window. I spent 7 days in my bed.
Maybe more, maybe less, I lost concept of time.
Honestly, I am not doing very well. I start it again.
I saw myself dying
My cushions are floading in red. I am so angry at everything.
Today, it was so rainy, and windy and cold. I decided to wear a dress. And I went out.
I wanted to shout in the forest. in my head : i screamed and i screamed and i screamed. No actually
It was lame. My voice is broken.

So I found a isolated abandonned place and sing razorblade sky to an awful moutain. Why was it so awful ? Because the mountain I knew, has been stepped on and all destroyed by humans. They removed the little house also. I hate humans. oh god. so much. I am acting insane, but it was great to raise my voice a little bit. A song, to the wind.
When I came back home, my hair was dripping wet and my red shoes were covered in mud. They were wet inside.
No one were waiting for me at home. Because I live alone xptdr mais suicide toi enfin
In a book I read the author tell : "If they let me live alone, it's because I shouldn't be important to anyone." and this broke my heart. Actually, the story is about a witch who lives isolated in her island and she transforms all the men who come knocking on her door into pigs. Her name is Circé and it is a Greek Goddess.

i just heard a owl !!! i am not alone anymore

This month has been hard mentally.
Recently a member of the GazettE, Reita the bassist has passed away. For some reasons, I've been devastated by this loss, feeling a deep void inside my chest. I feel it even more when it's about a suicide. This wasn't an accident, and it was somehow planned. It hurts to know people suffer. It hurts to know they were loved and finally ended up alone their life. It hurts it hurts it hurts.
Music is an important thing to me. Whenever I go somewhere I listen to music, when I draw, when I cook, when I do anything. It reassures me, it sings to me, it makes me move, love, feel things. I love music, I am so afraid to be deaf one day, my grandmother was deaf. But music make me feel alive... It exists so many genres of musics, bands and groups of people who bring their friendship together to make somethingrelated to self-expression, sounds and such. As a quiet person, i do reallu admire that. For a long long time i had to take the bus to go to school and I every day plugged my earphones and play music. A lonely listener, i think is obviously becoming more sensible with years and years of path life like this. It helps to feel less lonely, it helps to find an outlet. Music surely has an influence of who you're becoming, because you kind of choose it. It defines a part of your personality. Music's power is strong, there are years and years of experience behind it, it is a collaboration between people, or more precisely between a voice and the ears, but also the heart and the brain. Music has the power to make you feel, to understand better how this world function. When I started reading lyrics, i discovered poetry and was fascinated by it.

Important memory I have of the person who show me and got me i to vkei :
When I met them, i was only 13 or maybe 14. I took the train to visit them, they were online friends I admired them so much. They came pick me up in car, they were smoking. When we arrived to the house of their parents, it was so huge, I remember the dogs, the garden, the stairs. The room painted in red, posters on the walls. They actually offered me some posters that are still in my room. We listened to music, take the car, go drink sodas outside, at a cafe, talking. They dressed up and go out. Go to groceries, to do activities. They take SO MUCH time to prepare themselves hahaha I was just there, enjoying being with these people, older than me. I was young, I was shy and I was still searching for myself. At night, we watched animes, read mangas, chatchat about things, played videogames. They were all smoking in the bedroom, we all slept together. I remember that time I got a girlfriend. I remember that house with that person who drive that little van, with their cat and brothers. I remember how uncomfortable I was when i have to introduce myself, I didnt knew if i should talk to their parents or not. haha I was so awkward !! But they still bring me with them everywhere so I leanred about how they live. I remember that shop with jewerlies. The plastic clear umbrella. There was this specific person who was always with people. Later, they left the country.
And i was feeling all alone again.

I am healing.
Yesterday I went to the bank to change my name on my cards. It's good to feel a little bit more confident about that, it's only a small step. My name has always been a traumatizing experience when I was younger, because everybody seemed to have fun destroying it. The colleague of the person who welcomed told me I look cool... thank you ahhhh it's just the look tho- I was wearing a black turtle neck, and that cap I used to wear in high school. The first cap that I bought and start to make me feel great wearing hats. I love hats...
It's good to be back at writing, lighter themed stuffs. My mind has been very very dark some weeks ago, but I feel so much more well now.
The support I received after my break on social medias has been huge, I will never be thankful enough to the kind words. People are amazing...
For some reasons, I sometimes have more motivation to draw when something tragic happen. Maybe it is related to death, I don't know. But, I should... try to draw for people who lives too. I want to draw for my friends, I want to offer my art and myself. I want to make something beautiful, to make this world more livable.

My friend simply said : " do it, if you think it's important."

After that phone called, time has stoppped. The sound died into silence.
I adore my friend. They're so dear to me. They don't know but I see a lot of significance in our meetings. I am moved to see and spend time with each and I spend it preciously. Lately, i felt... neglected by one person. And so i just, i told them. I told them how i feel and sincerely i was thinking to delete that long lame message, but i didn't. Because I must learn to : say it out loud the shit. I won't solve the problems, my needs by staying quiet. I won't stay miserable in my corner anymore. I will fucking shout it on the roof. that. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. (no i will not but i feel like expressing the feeling about something is really important!! don't deny yourself, dont erase yourself. your metal health matter and you can be helped)

Excited about future. I see it clearly. I want to stay. I want to believe in the potential I have to offer.
I want to make the Wanderer project come true.
I want... to organise picnics. I want to organise themed (nostalgic) evenings. A EMO PARTY. I am not even joking... Why people around me do not organise festive and costume party ? I like pretending being someone else for one evening...

Monthly trying to visit my mom, but the house were I used to live is kind of deteriorating. I offered food, gifts and presents, warm clothes... They haven't touched it. Not even the wrapped presents. I don't understand. The food were rotting. The bag was still there, untouched. The house were I used to feel safe, I don't feel it anymore. It hurts.
My mother doesn't look very well. My brother is always sick. Always when I visit. I don't understand. I don't think he will live longer, I don't think we will live longer, our family is so weak.
We had a long long discussion as usual with my mom. She wants me to come back, but... I can't. I can not go back to this place, I don't want to. I feel toxicity it the air they breathe. I don't know if I should. Maybe come back to save them, to offer them the positive vibe, healthier way of life, but I also feel like I intoxicated them with it. With my positivity and different energy. I don't know. It hurts.

I feel confused. Should I move from my place ? Should I use the money that I spend for my rent to travel ? Am I ready to travel ? Should I study ?
Sometimes I feel motivated to learn so many things and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. But I am not even trying my best to study or finding a job actually. I try to explain with good words how I feel. I'm trying to find the good weighs of my words. To not hurt people, to make them understand. But... I don't know what they want from me. I'm trying my best in what I can. I had to run away from this place because I noticed too many bad signs. It hurts. But I feel safe here.

Sorry for this nonsense speaking, my family is taking over me, my goodwill, my energy, my life choices. It influences me a lot and that's why if I want to think on my own I must distancing myself.

I was feeling gloomy tonight. Then there was an update of journaling and I searched about the roots of Punkrave and found Lithium networks. Absolutely obsessed. Necessity to learn about

...no more tobacco. i smoked pure

I should separate my blog entries from year or month because I am writing with my phone and there is a lag time when I charge the editing page-
Also should I thinking of making titles. To organize...

Watched Anaïs Nin interview from 1970, and ordered her book, her journal.
Can't wait to read it !! I love to read journal, lonely people always have the most interesting ways to express themselves. I haven't read any Georges Sand's journal yet, but I loved to read all her love adventures in biographies. She is amazing, she is so strong and courageous...

and so today, I wore a dress, long sleeved dress, headress and even a lipsticks. I wanted to walk a little bit outside, the weather is great today. and also i definitelyu need to burn all these calories i ingest lol tomorrow is the birthday of a friend, we are the last day of April. During my walk, i found some muguet / Convallaria majalis !! I love these little white bell shaped flowers !!!!!!!
They smell so good. I found a lot. The place I went is a kind of garden near my place (they close it at night and open in the morning) where people wander sometimes. It's really romantic, orchards with fruit trees, fields, lake. I saw a frog !!
Last time I went I saw a squirrel. The place is so dreamy. Someone was playing guitar in the fiels lonely. Then I went to buy some eggs. Maybe I'll upload pictures I took with my digital camera

A lovely day with myself.
Hope you had a lovely day too

The Wanderer. Such an important project to me. This will helps me to go out, to give the opportunities of connection. Journalism inspire me, lately, or more the collecting of informations to share it to people. To inform my people.

MARCH. Beginning of sprouting projects...

Currently listening at Exist†Trace. Bought some apples. Wearing Lamento outfit.
Things that make me feel alive.
On 22th and 23th I will see Dir en Grey in live !!
So thirsty about it !!!! EXCITED EVEN

Also I wanted to make en entry about art evolution concerning my own way of creation ; social medias and how fast datas are making us deranged ; drawbox and projects.
Honestly, it is difficult for me to focus on only one project since I know my attention get distracted (ough) with lots of things. i am owning a little daily agenda where I note my activities to not forget. Also made a new mental map ! I am talking about it on here.
things I want to do :

- eating pastry on 21th march
- launching a drawbox party before leaving
- spending calm and peaceful time in April (this month, will be full of punk and vkei energy since we go to Paris as a ttt team)

The spring time of my 23 yo, it feels like very dark, very punk, very goth lol. Maybe is it the concert, the chance of my life to see a group I really really like and enjoy since I heard "Un Deux" from them back in 2014 on youtube.... but also... it feels like maybe, maybe I aways been attracted to it; I was thinking about my roots, the fact I indeed have involved myself in " community " or more " interests " of same people, sharing the same taste, stories, backgrounds, understandings, ideals or just similarities. My weird taste for bad endings on cinema films, melancholic poems using flesh or gore lexical, black and white art, the idea to be close or closer to death, my taste for grey metal music... Maybe all of it, isn't just pretending. I am aware that, I've been through lots of different styles and I just tried to polished them to my idea of "perfection". I also always tried to not go too far (small steps) or being to spontaneous (control) ; sometimes I fear that people would not recognize me !! (a quote said "Don't go too far, stay who you are", read on tumblr looong time ago, obsessed me) and I know somehow i can be very empathic, and admire people easily. And so that's how I could develop that personnality of mine. (ENOUGH PERSONAL RAMBLING oughh sorry for that i am just waiting my pancakes to cook)
And so about te way of creation I tried to explain ;
Voilà. I am a chaotic person.
BUT ALSO maniacly well organized in a way-
Ideas flood very fast in my head. And sometimes that's too much for my human perception
ptdr i have not a clear idea of what I wanted to write, actually
Having some time to write down some thought... be interesting for once...

We could talk about social medias I mentionned earlier.
To be real honest with you, I am truly an addict to socialmedias, since when I was child my mom doesn't allow me to use app on phone, but we can use internet on computer.
Having not much friends at school (probably because of my name which was too uncommon to people to speak up to me...rip) make me feel alone, and so I developed relationships on the web. Using a computer as main tool was definitely a good thing my mom has learned to me.
Then shit years happened. Got a smartphone in my hand, endlessy scrolling on the very limited apps. Informations everywhere. Fast communication. Overflowing datas.
no no no !!! This is wrong. So wrong.
We are losing the essential of spending time to polish our dialogs and words, because everything must be so fast.
The fact is being too addicted is became so CASUAL (everyone in public transports avoid eyecontacts and stare at their screens), Internet connection is everywhere now.
It's easy, it's smart. People just watch, people show up.
It is so insane.
But somehow... I just do the same.
Fishes got caughts.

Important thing is to be aware, and conscious to balance digital and reality.
Our bodies live in material world, and we must not forget that (hunger will remind you lol) and keep walking, tidying, take care of ourselves.
I often think of medieval era, where people just played in garden, collect rocks and wash by hand their clothes. (this is very not theoric perception idea MDR) Some peope also live without digital gears and it means they're probably develop their consciousness somewhere else. Well we use our time how we can ! Fulfilling our heads is a primary act of existence.

University called me to present a masterclass of calligraphy for students. I am super excited and write a plan to explain my project, and it will be a paid work !
I am infinitely grateful for being recognize as a sensei !!!!!! Honestly, my life has been quite a chaos, and I keep rushing everything and not letting me the time to retrospect, yet I will give me the time in April. For some reasons, I struggle to look back, and I am tense about that. But I know that, I will be proud of me. And I must remember all the things I've done.

Mogo, a friend of mine, photographer and awesome person took some portraits of me. I show some images on the art page.
I feel pretty unconfident about my face and skin, but the images are amazing.

Also I am visiting Paris soon. In two days. I met someone on the web who could come over to take care of my plants while I am travelling, and so my place is securised by someone. It seems to be a pretty nice and calm person (I know people can be totally the opposite too... but they seem to be very nice !)
They cook well also, they just made a little soup with vietnamese noodles i just- am amazed.
Sadly I am pretty tired and in a gloomy mood, focused on that lesson I have to give tomorrow so I locked myself up in my room to work in the eve. But we are both adults so I think, it's chill if we don't talk all day since they stay for a week at my place.

"Je me demande si mon corps va survivre durant ce voyage, si il ne va pas tomber en miette, en morceaux ou fatalement me briser, m'endommager internement et provoquer une hémorragie interne aussi incontrôlable que je ne vais peut-être jamais être capable de rentrer et poser ma tête sur mon oreiller une dernière fois."

Before I go farrrr away my bed, I launched a drawbox party and it was so much fun. Some people on NC community shown there as well. So happy of this project.....

BACK FROM MY TRAVEL !!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe
Paris was amazing !! I went to the concert, met some people from the web. Friends of friends of friends! And also my beloved hairdresser who moved to work in Paris.
I slept at their place with their three cats and very very small dog then we went to DIRU concert !!! Almost lost my jacket, being spotted by Kaoru, heared Kyo's voice, staring a shy Shinya, almost felt the softnest of Die's hair (Meurs-san) and Toshiya's long legs.
Went to Saint-Ouen flea markets, this place is so so so so incredible. I am happy to spent time there.
Dir en Grey tour this year in the pays du pain was 2 consecutive days, it means !!! two !!! outfits !!! Guess what : the first day was sunny and the second day WAS RAINY AND FREEZING
Almost catch a cold because we waited in the file under the rain GRRRR
After the second eve, we waited too long outside and missed the last public transport LOL and so we were just lost in the metro. We chill out and finally decided to eat a crepe (god bless the little awaken guy cooking for street lost cat like us) at 2am lol. Then we found a place to sleep and the morning we LEFT THAT place to wander in the city.
Honestly, very punk vibe in my blood these last months. And I start to understand. I am fundamentally attract by this since... a long time ago. Being a black cat.

A girl asked me some money and it was my last day in Paris, I was alone, wandering in the streets, thirsty and hungry, and that girl, she seems kind of desesperate, lonely too. I turn back and asked her if she wants to eat or drink something with me somewhere. And so we did. Her name ends with an A and she is younger than me, lost in her life, tried to kill herself several times, being abused by people, live alone but is supported by medical professionals. For some reasons I saw similar attitudes in her like a mirror of myself, or something that trigger me and that's why I wanted to know more. Her sincerity touched me, she clearly was in need of help. And I was just standing there, listening. I tried my best to precisely choose the good words to give her some hope, to cheer up her day, then she left.
I don't regret to stop and looking in her eyes, telling that she has potential as a human being and as an artist, to tell her to focus on her needs. I think i maybe cheered her up for more of less a little afternoon.

Dir en Grey live playing in loop in my head. forever
Kinda decided to resume journaling even if I may not assume every words publicly since this page exist, but it helps me to keep leaving notes of my existence (Exist†Trace)

When I came back home, it was hard to find energy to do anything, so I cleaned a little bit, washed by hand some clothes, layed down. I am listening at some music too, it helps. I struggle to go to sleep hefore 2am. My pace if slow and I want to feel the ray of suns. What should i do next ?
oh i must share about the project " hydra " that i am working on. and some name references I give to my projects because it seems very important for me to remember the connection I've made when creating things.

Hydra is from a project Kaoru (gr. Dir en Grey) build, renamed Hydra -666- after a while
Hydra garden is inspired with Hydrangea's flower, and also one of Angelic Pretty print themenamed "sweet Lacy Basket".
The main theme of this page is remember me to hydrate myself, the main color of the page is baby blue/sax. Films that are linked to that project are : Blue (2002), Hana and Alice (2004), Melancholia (2011), Perfect Blue (1997), On the beach at Night Alone (2017)
Ruby, my oc linked with Nheira's tree find the roots of their name in the breakcore culture with "Ruby my dear" and " Igorrr ". The album of Katie Jane Garside " ruby throat " also influenced the name of this character, since I discovered Queen Adreena.

Last Sunday of the month.
Went to a flea market, bought napkins, cushion with little fruits, and a white long crochet table cloth !
I think its Easter today

歌うたいの猫 - The Singing Cat

Every year, on the second week of February we celebrate Lunar New Year !
The symbolic animal or the year is the dragon!

I am in font of visual kei, ega and everything linke with my past somehow.
words i want to rememeber & sacred texts

We celebrated Wood Dragon year 🪵📿🐉 at my place, and people actually came to my event

Yesterday I went out to print some portraits, or more precisely my funeral portrait.
I will give one to my mom, and one to my partner with a letter. I actually wanted to do it because I reflected and think when I watched again the drama " My Rainy Days ", from 2009.
The portraits (will add more) are made in the same style as Dir en Grey in 1999 during the visual kei era. Red background, contrasted, vivid colors.
On the road, I found a book named " Kyoko ", written by Ryu Murakami. I absolutely adore his works, and he inspired one of the greatest film i enjoyed " Snakes & Earrings " ( I even made a shrine for it)
It has been translated in French so I'm just copying some sentences that resonate in me :

Nobody is stronger than sorrow or solitude. (24)
Patience and discussion are essential elements to achieve it (82)
Hope is important for humans in general (83)
I decided what was the most important to me (103)
If I don't take care of my worries, they expand endlessly and in the blink of an eye, destroy the world. (104)

personal uninteresting thought : I think some people might be attracted by me irl but i am just kind and too gay and friendly that they could never reach me and I have no particular attention behind my acts, i am just kind to everyone who could be nice to me but i am not an idiot (i am)

Watched On the beach on Night Alone (2017) on the day of St V and it was great. I catched a cold and I finally can rest.

" We were truly... unhappy. I confessed my love to them, and with a burning pain in my heart I realized how unnecessary, how petty and how deceptive all that had hindered us from loving was. When you love, you must, in your reasonings about that love, start from what is highest or that sin or virtue in their accepted meaning, otherwise, you must not reason at all."

Watched Spacked out (2000), it was really difficult to find it, and I watched it without subtitles. I adore this film, the underground atmosphere, realistic social genre. It is just so sincere, so real. I had to search on Yandex for it because impossible to find with a search engine from here. The film is rating in category 3 in HK. It means the official gouvernement agency rated it as only adult can rent or watch it in cinema. If a movie is rated as a Third Level film (Chinese: 三級片), its promotional materials must also be screened by the Office for Film, any videotape or discs that will be sold must be sealed by plastic bagging before it can be sold.

That is crazy insane how I can change subject and state of mind as fast as I'm driving into another artwork (film, music, book) it truly influence my heartbeat. I feel that it fills something in me and I just stock it in my head forever (in my tumblr also), but I know memories have flaws so I must talk about it on the web so it doesn't die for a time. I wonder how long will Neocities remain. I love this place here too.

I was just telling myself... I need to know how to build a house. The basic question of " how is it made ?" i mean it obsessed me. Having a roof. Construction. Wooden. Furnitures. Kitchen. Walls. Windows. I need to study that. Really.

Are you qualified for love ?
- On the beach on Night Alone, 2017

... she always seems so exposed. exposed to what ? To love maybe.

- Love Exposure, 2009

Some day, I want to reach happiness.
Lately i was feeling down, depressed. The sky is grey, it's been days and days the wind is 30km/h, sometimes 50km/h.
It's cold. I am lonely. I am sick.
A friend, internet friend was feeling suicidal. I left a message. A discrete message slided at the bottom of their door. I wasn't expecting an answer. But i wish to be read.
And one day, i received an answer.
Words I will never forget.

grrr oh to wake up late eveyday z
ALSO BOUGHT MYSELF A DIGITAL CLOCK so i'll never running late again (hopeful)

Absolutely adore Poet's song...

hello world ! Happy New year !

Spend the whole night outside, it was raining. I was preparing myself late at 22h listening to Avril Lavigne songs, Green Day, Little Sister from a film we used to watch with my older brother. It was one of my best time. In my very personal space, my punk time, my lonely wolf moment. With all my heart I cherish these moments. With my friends, we went to a place, after 00:01 we were in another dimension. The time is passing, we are alive.

The very first film I wanted to watch during this start of the year, this winter is :
The Chronicles of Narnia.

The idea of a wooden furniture taller than a human is impressive. Oh I should say thank to my mom for giving me that awesome blanket.

Sunday, one week before my last day of work. Bought a plant, I'm not used to buy lives but I found a laurus/laurier and couldn't resist. The fact it is a plant that symbolises the Greek god of sun and found it in winter season make me feel like I need to bring it at my home and try to keep it alive. I really love it, I want to take care of it like it was Patrocle and Achilles from the legend, I'll probably give it their names (will write it on the pot)

Well, I am happy that my contract ends. I need, I really need to take time for myself. In September I want to start to study again, I know I'll regret my decisions after three months lol, but i really want to learn more.
I often think that I have a weak personality, and I should really train more to be less introvert, to learn how to communicate and to properly talk with others. I noticed my lacks and struggles when I start working with my colleagues because they seems so smart.

My goal is to stop having to much insecurities with my voice, style and personality. I want to be able that I can communicate my needs. I want to prove myself that I am a good artist too. Until the start of the uni, I will try to show to the world, on the web but also in my city that the litte light in me is still valuable. We were talking about a project named " Lux Minima ", translated words mean "little light" in latin, with a discrete, smart friend years ago. Five years passed and the light, the little light still exists in both of us. I want to believe that. The knowledge, the faculty to share and to open minds.
I really am hopeful about my art, for some reasons that I mixed it with logical issues, commons things and knowledge (calligraphy, writing, still lives are project I really give my heart on) but I also want to paint, on a wall to surpass myself, my timidy. My next hopeful project is to travel in France to meet people, artists. I found a guest spot in Paris, and i have few friends in Lyon, Nantes, and also around the world. Let's see where life is bringing my soul ! Hoping the best for the future.

My projects seems small and I know some people goes faster and further than me. But I am alone, afraid and I will not let myself go down. I also am aware that I could deserve better, but autosatisfaction is the simpler way for me to be happy without detaching myself from my roots. I decided to slow down my life, because I felt like I went to far and too fast in the past with abuses. I feel so much better now, even if I struggle.
sorry so much "i", first person, but somehow it is what constitute my own self.
- Cela m'a fait du bien de parler avec vous.

Good evening internet people,
finally my working contract ends. I'll have more time to focus on web, art and my projects.
Good new and bad new : I am coding from a new computer, a Thinkpad T480 from Lenovo. My mom has found this portable computer and offered it to me. Thank you for the tool, my mom always loved offering useful things.
Concerning my mom, I received some bad news. She has a tumor and she is suffering of the glass bones disease. I don't want to be too personal here on the web, because nothing will ever change. I could write tons of words about her and about how difficult and unfair life is. I will probably create a page for the topic one day.
And so, I am trying to get CSP Clip paint Studio to finally draw on digital. I love art, and I expect to not only draw but developping my ideas. I need to draw an alphabet...

A friend of mine show my the game Hades and I totally jaw dropped when I saw the art and gameplay, I AM ADDICTED TO IT and i can't wait to play more ! I am totally fond of the universe of ancient Greece culture. I learned a lot about it in my formation of History of Art but my passion truly catched my heart when I red " The Song of Achilles " and " Circé ".

Watched the film The Dreamers (2003), how amazing and French that film was. Want to run in the Louvre and beat the record...
How comforting is it to become part of a friend's group ? But how uncomfortable it become when you start to truly know them, and their deepest secrets ?
The interesting points are how linked people can be with only films, tastes, and some craziness in the mind. Feeling free also, being young and just enjoying life. But the society we are living into is sometimes really influence our actions and we choose or not violence or love.

In another darkest tone, I watched Black Metal Veins (2008) :
I need to talk about this film and how shocking experience it was to watch it. I didn't expect such uncensored scenes, about severe drug issues, sex, eating disorders, addictions, and triggering schematics that could be absolutely unbearable to sensible observers. It became a part of a normality to be exposed to these kind of thematics to me, but the fact that film looks so close to reality, truly hits me. " I am in control " - Raven
Being aware of this, somehow make you less or more interested in the practise of doing drug, even if we all know that is a way to NOT GO. Drugs and bad influences are dangerous, I do consider myself as a pretty bad and insane person but I am AWARE of this and I do freely talk about it, because we can not censure - reality.

Lucifer Valentine's films are clearly developping triggering thematics, the sincerity of the scenes truly broke my heart. I do not recommend to watch these if you are not ready to search about Slaughtered Vomit Doll or ReGoregitated Sacrifice.

I've been a lot into visual kei lately. Listening to those old songs remind me how weak I am to impressive men with lipsticks and long hair,lol. It helps me to remember time, also. Happy time.
Created a page about it because the visual of Mejibray (especially Tsuzuku/Genki who is such an inspiration to me, as professional vocalist) truly amazed me. Not as a person, because I don't know him personally and his vocal training must be very embarassing (from the videos making of) lmao

Watching people being cool and happy give me so much comfort, as a indeniable unconfident person. IT happens that when I makeup, dressup and feel cool (rare time) I feel too extra or too much and even showing of on medias make me feel like I shouln't be that egocentred, and it makes me delete all the content I took time to create. But... I just enjoy being with myself, and i shouldn't be ashamed of loving me (not the moment when you remove your makeup and look like a damned sad clown) time to time. Talking in 'I',first person pronom, even sometimes make me feel bad, but if I just suppress that word from my language, it will be the same as if I just supress myself. No, I just should offer me the way I am, a place in the world. This advice, everybody who has a low esteem should understand that !!
Enough talking, we are approching February.

after a ritual, he is born



ep 2

ep 3

ep 4

ep 5 https://files.catbox.moe/788l6w.mp4

Another page where
you can find some of my recent art :
One of my favourite place is my tumblr :


blog and blabla

September 23 -

Today I went to register to a coding formation. I stepped in a pretty new place, near the center and Shadi's house (40min of tram and metro) The formation center got young and aware teachers of new IT and computer technology. The length of formation if 7 months, and today i got an interview: even if i was sweating like a damn pool, the test went well. My voice was low but i felt like i've been listened. Honestly , I struggle less with expressing myself now, the formal tone of life became usual.

I would like to learn more in coding and we developement but also meet new people and enlarge my knowledge, social opportunities and participating to challenges. The training premises are covered in graffiti, and the students look cool, mature, alternative, differents. I scratched a tag on a wall my way back to the metro and an old guy saw me AAAAH but he ends up smiling at me. Maybe he got the reference. Maybe he will erase it. I'll check next time heh.
Heading back home now.

I do love working on computer, since i discovered Neocities and start to create more on this platform. I am an addict to creation and learning more about computer makes me want to spinnnnnn on a chair until i puke !!

Recently I'm working on another page, about Tsutomu Nihei's artwork and especially about アバラ - ABARA.

Also have a draft of the new layour page i'm building : index

AYOOO we did it to October !!

Revamp of ninjaweb's index. Created the references page !

Fucking. Screaming. all day.
One of my favourite band ever - Dir en Grey, is coming in the country next to mine, and I am so about to travel to finally live that experience. I've been so envious to see them irl at a concert, when i was watching the live on Youtube :

Friday 6 October -
Got the job !!! It went well, I discussed with the manager, and i'll start working at the shop mid-october, after my coding school week ; so excited ahdjsk!!!
It's a part-time job (21 hours/week) so it's giving me so much free time. I will keep translating the book, and creating pages about references
Life is going pretty well lately. Finding solutions for my appartement, and incomes. The contract is a CDD for three months. And I will try to create a professional journalism page too, about places in the capital and around. I found that newspaper layout on codepen

Have awesome ideas : creating 2 pages for my OC (7amgf/7pmbf) - inspired by the lovely page of 5amgf (which i absolutely cherish the mood of this website)
Also discovered killing-machine's site. and woaw
I want to explore more CSS in my pages, creating and varying different styles, colors, themes. Creating original characters help to create differents layouts (even if 90% of my chara are vk, emo or sWeAT 2000's vibes. I really really want to create something cute with pastel colours, flowers, pixelart and cute cakes, recipes, autumn vibes. omg. Embracing the feminity side. I need that.)

So i created the little 7amgf and her parnter 7pmbf. It is going to be fun. I truly want them to exist and I like the number 7.

excuse the very shitty draft

A long week and a pretty well break deserved. My life is changing. For the better.
I spend some time with my web partner, met some new nerd heads, saw some good old friends from school. We keep talking about the past like it was like yesterday. Oh god, i love them so much. I'll not be the person I am today if i haven't done the effort to tell them i miss them, and, for everybuds i met, and took a place in my heart and even if we haven't done the step to spend time together, I will still miss them forever, probably. My empathic side is overflowing since i first forgive myself for being unperfect and actually love these imperfections.

About the week, i spent half the week sleeping outside, home to home, switching from bed to a sofa to a bed, literally passing out under a shower, smoking on a terrace, playing quietly on a piano... Discovering the freedom again. The spontaneity can offer a lot sometimes. ShaD said we only live once, so do things now. Don't let the boundaries set you up inside a cage.

GUESS WHO is the DUMBASS who catch a cold and have to work tomorrow ? loser me

GUESS WHAT ; no sore throat for my first day of work, day went so well, met my new coworkers, worked all day, boight pakchoi, going home to make a soup. Received a little pumpkin. Awesome.
I just badly broke one nail, but thing happen, also i feel like Ikuina in SD (i have a image of 2006 Ikuina)
My work mainly consists of selling plants, welcoming customers, cleaning the store shelves,... There are always so many things to do ! Each customers have specific demands, and you must rp and find out a way to make them satisfied.
It's a good way to train your self-expression, testing personnalities (in case i don't take it seriously but i do), and assume your style also. Because my coworkers have alternative style as well ! They are so kind, i hope i'll be able to focus on my tasks. Tomorrow I don't work, i can rest a little bit then I'll work again on Wednesday and Thursday.

I discovered the film Piercing (2019) from the original novel written by Ryu Murakami.
Currently watching Little Women (2020) / Les filles du docteur March and i felt in love again.
The urge to develop about my feminine side, to embrace the lovely chance to exist and coexist with women : literally, gifts from the world. (said Kojaku from dmmd)
will definitely add this film on 7amgf's page.

Living in the city is such a pain, but working there is easier and everything is more close and fast (too fast honestly)
The capital, cities are far more developed and efficient than some little towns around, but I see more living in thee little towns if i survive 10 or 20 more years. We will see !
Got some energy on my day off to go to the post office and send some letters to my friends, and also commissions. Bought a bottle of water too, because my father told me to stop drinking water from the sink because the water here in my town has pretty poor quality. Recently, I got the visit of a friend who just killed my goodmood. They just throw all their negativity and then left. I feel hurted, betrayed but most of all confused about it and keep questionning myself : How am I suppose to deal with people troubles, negativity, feelings ? in the first place i don't want it. I am sensitive to people's feeling but i shouldn't. I am trying to take care of myself, leaving the Towa's life, lol. Fictional characters cheer me up when I'm feeling dark. Also music. I'm watching and listening at Dir en Grey lives every evening, it keeps me alive.

We are approaching end of October month, it means the weather is becoming more and more cold, rainy. Sky is orange, yellow, purple.
For Halloween eve, a friend and me visited the Surnateum. A private cabinet de curiosity about magic objects with spiritual functions, and such. It was so interesting and inspiring. I was in awe.
The conservator also tells us about a story of a sinking of a boat, and the story of Richard Hanze, James and Percy Buck.

The story reminds me of something linked with the " Isle of the Death ". The fact is, they found a treasure chest with handwritten letters and they searched after their owner and life story. They discovered the tragic story of Richard and his adventure on the cursed wreck "Andelana" in 1899.

This year i really wanted to dress up cool for Halloween, it was rainy outside so we stayed at home but have a look at my makeup
I'm listening at music too loudly. I daydream. I kiss people. They forget about me. I enjoy life. Then I will never last. I survived the storms. It will rain again. Immortalizing memories in a screen. Letting myself go.

November violet, rainy evenings, deepth of forgotten lost passions that are sleeping in the bed.
Eyes hurt. Lovely friends. Being black and blue. Velvet. Drowning in a cup of tea. Coffee ache. The tip of the tongue. No moisture...
Being clean, soft, conscious. Throwing up in my favourite jacket. Washing hands. Avoiding, staring blank, a needle in the eye. 7 minutes candles.

Working on 7PMBF
Got a diapason from a friend. Precious gift. Love language. Radical deed. Impact in my life. Being grateful.
I often think of them. The marks they leave...
Saying Thank you.
Secret memories, locked deep in the heart.
Listening at music.
Vampire and lamb outfits.
Cancelling plans to sleep.
Sending message to mom.
Wearing lipstick like Kyo from Dir en Grey.
Your first hairdresser crush.
Redempting your sins.
Being a deadly sin.
Naruto cans at the supermarket.
Contemplating the wooden table.
Taking a bath in your imagination.
Putting yourself in situations.
Thinking of your exes.
Remembering how cool they were.
Being proud of your friends, life and accomplishments.
Supporting people, always.
Being obssessed with people.
Forgetting about tasks.
Being overwhelmed by tasks
Spontaneous meetings
Older people telling their life experiences
Recording and listening at them
Taking your photocamera outside
Forgetting to take pictures of your friends because life is too fun
The best memories are in the head
Feeling the things too much
Being alive

[ 7pmbf thought]
I can feel it strongly, the way everyone lost hope in me, the way the sparkle doesn't shine anymore and how fast they lose interest.
It hurts.

Current reading : Snakes and Earrings.

AAAHH my coworkers are so nice. We went to see the last Miyazaki at cinema, kind of missed a part of the concept because I needed to pEE SO BAD in the middle of the movie.
haha ! But the experience of going out with them was fun !!
My manager is so cute and lovely, and because of public transport traffic strike, we catched up in the evening. I've been super honest and overexposed myself and revealed my darker stuffs, it feels good to be considered someone as their equal.
We chatchat all night about boy's love lmao and nostalgic stuffs in general !! It was a fun evening !!!!!

My skin has been very scratchy and gross and the moment. :+(
And i feel like i am eating SO MUCH. November is a tough month we all need energy anyways ! Today I get up to prepare tea for my coworker, I couldn't get myself back to sleep so I am looking for pumpkin bread recipes. I want to make something tasty...
I am trying to work a lot, and also get back into coding and drawing. I've made this : for this page

This project is kind of important to me. Because it aims to bring some more positivity in my life. And i truly need it. It's a little corner of my mind, i always wanted to explore more, even if my personnality is usually dark and obscure, i just love and embrace the total opposite, radically.

That's how 7AMGF is born ! and i'll cherish it forever. Cultivating this little garden of happiness, simplicity and love.

Every Saturday, I come back home with a friend because they work close to where I am employed and we finish at the exact same hour. Today we decided to eat some fries and to discuss a little bit on our way. The antique shop was closed to we just walked and talked about our OC. I just love how passionate they are about their characters, and it just warm my heart to have someone like that in my life. Feeling grateful to share a moment with them.

Oh geez, dude. These characters are everything. Reading blanc by Asumiko Nakamura. Too much feelings. I'm now stronger. *sobsobs*

This month I am particularly careful on my energy, time and expenses. And I also writing a mental map and a self-analysis (every November)
The only great thing I bought is a (red !!!!!!!!!) blanket to stop having cold at night !!
I am working and also I met Rei Izumi in my dream. Seems so real. Destabilizing. It's been a while I haven't made such a clear dream.

Watched, rewatched and re-rewatched Scrap Heaven (2005). Discovered it with a gif on tumblr. This film not really popular , a trio weird "friendships". Unsaid things. Imagination. Triangle. (= Reminds me of Aoi Kuruma)
How can I explain how much the two dudes energy remind me of my OC ? An encounter of an impulsive punk and a serious-minded but frustrated employee.
I'll be back one day to talk about my OC Shirotan and Kuroge to explain you how important they are to me. The fact it's been one year I finished writing their story, both happy and bad end.
From the very beginning, the story of Shirotan and Kuroge tells a realistic encounter between a student at university and a drug dealer in a underground metropolis city. The fact the colours seems dull yet bright aims a grey poetic landscape of an end of fall season, the beginning of a cold and depressing winter.

notes : This story truly helps me to survive through this last winter. It was something i build to attach myself on, a boat, a ship that leads me through the dark lonely evenings that happened in my irl life. I felt in the need to write, to create about these oc. I needed to offer hopes, tragedies, warmth, logical issues on my own, to... cope with life. But also to understand how my own internal universe work.

Currently reading Barairo no hoo no koro by Asumiko Nakamura. notes :
"Loving yourself is a principle. So how can someone who doesn't love himself love his neighbour ?
Assuming that there was a person who hated himself, he would be the opposite of a person who likes himself. He would always think "I hate myself, I hate myself" but he could as well be saying "I love myself, I love myself"
Love and hate are similar in their intensity."

[The one who plays its cards right is the one who wins.]

~ (> x <*) End of the year, confused content, exhausting work + my only outlets are : writing, coding and daydreaming about OC ~ aaa

Been writing my OC story, listening Sweet Poo ost. I have imagined my " goal " as a character, Nheira. (The name is inspired by an artist I used to admire when I was younger, he is now knewn under the name khaoskai !) I placed so many hopes in this chara because i noticed again and again how I struggle to be myself. I pushed my limits imitating an extravert personality while I just denied my real essence : my nature of being a introverted and a d4rk sasuke.
I must assume that creating original characters are kind of... saving me. The fact that developing about different part of personalities make me explore paths and ways of just existing. When I created my four brothers characters (birdnest) they directly were inspired of my irl family ( having one 2 years older bro and half-sis and half 10 years older bro) but also I gave them a part of myself, my complexes, my hopes.
I think this is my best medium I can master to express myself: writing.
Also something I would like to work more on is : trying to stop writing with the first personal pronoun " I ". Because when I work on my OC I identify myself too much and when it comes to express unhealthy feelings or hard subjects it could be dangerous. Especially for the story of Ruby. Ok, i stop rambling about my OC for now. BUT it feels like I finally made it, - having friends.

Anyways, we did until December. I am still working in the store, thinking about going back to my original work : making my living from my art. Ofc it isn't that easy. I want to travel. I have hope.
Often listening to music louder than usual, filling the silence, the void in the mind and in the heart. Arriving earlier at work. See you

New year is approaching. If I can write about my X-mas eve this year, is was kind of enjoyable. I met the family of my beloved partner which was quite interesting! My family dinner was quiet this year, it was a small reunion compared to past year. Simple. I will prepare a cake (received speculoos flourbt work) for my mom. I lack of sleep. I love and listening to guitar a lot. I dream more lately.

Something interesting i remind me about is the ennegram :

Must work. been in holidays for more than seven days
street life