April fool !! I am not a funny person but a really really serious hardworker (it's a lie)
Always liked the month of April... It reminds me the start of spring, the cherry trees blossoming.
It's raining tonight. The sky was very very blue some hours ago. I told myself to sleep earlier, to get up earlier. To try to stop listening music after 10pm because it doesn't help me to sleep. To stop smoking after 2am. Well. It's 23:52 and i am craving a cig like never...
My fridge is empty. I haven't bought any food in a while now.
I was supposed to live healthier... GRRR
But maybe I just need that time to... reconstruct myself.
Pray for me///
Lately I was feeling a little bit melancholic. I drew in my sketchbook some OC. Can not manage myself to draw on digital. My eyes hurt, but I still can spend HOURS scrolling on my phone. oughhh I don't like how my old habits are taking control over me.
My plan to work for
Kuroge's page was a success.
Because I really felt like a unsuccessful artist lately, at least I can manage to make my character live.
I mean... Kuroge's story is kind of tragic because he is the very dark part of myself i romantize about. Some quotes of his story is written in french and japanese because my brain was able to imagine it in these specific languages only.
I feel a little bit sad for him. But this character is a reflect of my negligence towards myself, the very red flag I shouldn't step in. The limit i should never cross. He's kind of showing me the worst way I could live, in a endless suffering spiral of despair. He is a part of me, somehow.
I didn't mean to be that dark, especially for the April month-
But yeah, this year 2024 i just want to make a little shrine for him and only his universe because this character is so important to me. The whole story of his own is
here.
Cleaned the windows. My neighbour throw away some plants I've display in the sun, thinking they were trash. I am slowly emerging from my negligence, and lack of communication, I've using less and less my phone. I'm contemplating rays of sun. Flowers in my street. Real life.
Today is the birthday of
Laetitia, she is a friend, born on 6 april 2002 and end her life on 28 october 2022. She was so young, such a kind person... I remember... her eyes and her sympathy, her curiosity to darkness. I remember receiving bad vibe from her ex telling me how unhealthy and odd she was, but she really was an entity, a singular human being with flaws and a complex background. I loved her, somehow i envy her also, because she is someone I will never be. She is such a courageous person and a sensible soul.
We were so young. The month of October was tragic for us, and everyone around me. When I received the new that she committed her suicide , it felt to unreal. A immense void, created in the space-time in my head.
I was thinking to pass by the cemetery and lay some flowers for her. I miss her, and I understand even more her loneliness in the world.
For some reasons, I struggle to see and find happiness in the world around me. I feel like a wandering ghost retrieving slowwwwly memories after the events are done. I am not really sur le qui-vive. "Mon esprit vif est comme paralysé par le désir de m'enfuir à toute jambe vers un endroit où personne ne me verrait. Pourquoi.
Quels sont les simples moments de bonheur que tu as eu dans ta vie ?
Note l'importance de ceux-ci.
Avoir la sensation de...
vouloir être seul, mais pas abandonné."
Considérez tout, chaque détail, chaque attention.
Be kind with people, always
Respect their struggles, their differences
Be patient
You have no idea what they have been through and you only can observe a little percentage of their inner soul for a very short moment of their life.
You will never see the full potential of someone, so please consider people, as your equal
It's okay to take time
Spring is here, you are full of potential
You will live this year
Again, and the cycle will repeating
Just let the air make you feel like you live
Let the emotions taking all over you
Let yourself being submerged with simple feelings
Be grateful to be human, you will woke up again
Accept the struggle, accept the love
The growing soul you are will aims you to a beautiful future
We will meet again
Solitude is just an essential need
When you come home from a nice day, and feeling happy and inspired
Please believe in yourself
Say out loud that you deserve the world
The love of the world
Make pretty thing
It will heal you to think bout happy things.
It will happen !!!
~~~
There is... an unmotivated moment in my life.
I don't want anything, anyone, any existence near me. I am having that dark cloud all over my head, inside my chest, deep hidden in my guts.
I succomb and ate too much. I had crisis. And my body revenged itself. I can not eat anything anymore. I am puking liters and liters of bile. I am sick. My skin is turning grey. I can't even talk to it to anyone because it's insane, and people need joy. I am afraid to ask for help.
I am telling myself everyday that i should die. I dreamt of my family. I am scared because I live isolated. I feel loneliness more and more and more and more and more. I can not even cry. Tears won't come. I am afraid. Something bad will happen. It will happen.
OD OD OD OD OD overdosing everything consume consume consume...
The
holy fiction that healed me.
It's raining a lot today.
I forgot how to play piano and it's frustrating. I feel scared to disturb my neighbors when making noise, playing music, even coughing or opening a window. I spent 7 days in my bed.
Maybe more, maybe less, I
lost concept of time.
Honestly, I am not doing very well. I start
it again.
I saw myself dying
My cushions are floading in red. I am so angry at everything.
Today, it was so rainy, and windy and cold. I decided to wear a dress. And I went out.
I wanted to shout in the forest. in my head : i screamed and i screamed and i screamed. No actually
It was lame. My voice is broken.
So I found a isolated abandonned place and sing razorblade sky to an awful moutain. Why was it so awful ? Because the mountain I knew, has been stepped on and all destroyed by humans. They removed the little house also. I hate humans. oh god. so much. I am acting insane, but it was great to raise my voice a little bit. A song, to the wind.
When I came back home, my hair was dripping wet and my red shoes were covered in mud. They were wet inside.
No one were waiting for me at home. Because I live alone xptdr
mais suicide toi enfin
In a book I read the author tell : "If they let me live alone, it's because I shouldn't be important to anyone." and this broke my heart. Actually, the story is about a witch who lives isolated in her island and she transforms all the men who come knocking on her door into pigs. Her name is Circé and it is a Greek Goddess.
i just heard a owl !!! i am not alone anymore
This month has been hard mentally.
Recently a member of the GazettE, Reita the bassist has passed away. For some reasons, I've been devastated by this loss, feeling a deep void inside my chest. I feel it even more when it's about a suicide. This wasn't an accident, and it was somehow
planned. It hurts to know people suffer. It hurts to know they were loved and finally ended up alone their life. It hurts it hurts it hurts.
Music is an important thing to me. Whenever I go somewhere I listen to music, when I draw, when I cook, when I do anything. It reassures me, it sings to me, it makes me move, love, feel things. I love music, I am so afraid to be deaf one day, my grandmother was deaf. But music make me feel alive...
It exists so many genres of musics, bands and groups of people who bring their friendship together to make somethingrelated to self-expression, sounds and such. As a quiet person, i do reallu admire that. For a long long time i had to take the bus to go to school and I every day plugged my earphones and play music. A lonely listener, i think is obviously becoming more sensible with years and years of path life like this.
It helps to feel less lonely, it helps to find an outlet. Music surely has an influence of who you're becoming, because you kind of choose it. It defines a part of your personality. Music's power is strong, there are years and years of experience behind it, it is a collaboration between people, or more precisely between a voice and the ears, but also the heart and the brain. Music has the power to make you feel, to understand better how this world function. When I started reading lyrics, i discovered poetry and was fascinated by it.
Important memory I have of the person who show me and got me i to vkei :
When I met them, i was only 13 or maybe 14. I took the train to visit them, they were online friends I admired them so much. They came pick me up in car, they were smoking. When we arrived to the house of their parents, it was so huge, I remember the dogs, the garden, the stairs. The room painted in red, posters on the walls. They actually offered me some posters that are still in my room. We listened to music, take the car, go drink sodas outside, at a cafe, talking. They dressed up and go out. Go to groceries, to do activities. They take SO MUCH time to prepare themselves hahaha I was just there, enjoying being with these people, older than me. I was young, I was shy and I was still searching for myself. At night, we watched animes, read mangas, chatchat about things, played videogames. They were all smoking in the bedroom, we all slept together. I remember that time I got a girlfriend. I remember that house with that person who drive that little van, with their cat and brothers. I remember how uncomfortable I was when i have to introduce myself, I didnt knew if i should talk to their parents or not. haha I was so awkward !! But they still bring me with them everywhere so I leanred about how they live. I remember that shop with jewerlies. The plastic clear umbrella. There was this specific person who was always with people. Later, they left the country. And i was feeling all alone again.
I am healing.
Yesterday I went to the bank to change my name on my cards. It's good to feel a little bit more confident about that, it's only a small step. My name has always been a traumatizing experience when I was younger, because everybody seemed to have fun destroying it. The colleague of the person who welcomed told me I look cool... thank you ahhhh it's just the look tho- I was wearing a black turtle neck, and that cap I used to wear in high school. The first cap that I bought and start to make me feel great wearing hats. I love hats...
It's good to be back at writing, lighter themed stuffs. My mind has been very very dark some weeks ago, but I feel so much more well now.
The support I received after my break on social medias has been huge, I will never be thankful enough to the kind words. People are amazing...
For some reasons, I sometimes have more motivation to draw when something tragic happen. Maybe it is related to death, I don't know. But, I should... try to draw for people who lives too. I want to draw for my friends, I want to offer my art and myself. I want to make something beautiful, to make this world more livable.
My friend simply said : " do it, if you think it's important."
After that phone called, time has stoppped. The sound died into silence.
I adore my friend. They're so dear to me. They don't know but I see a lot of significance in our meetings. I am moved to see and spend time with each and I spend it preciously. Lately, i felt... neglected by one person. And so i just, i told them. I told them how i feel and sincerely i was thinking to delete that long lame message, but i didn't. Because I must learn to : say it out loud the shit. I won't solve the problems, my needs by staying quiet. I won't stay miserable in my corner anymore. I will fucking shout it on the roof. that. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. (no i will not but i feel like expressing the feeling about something is really important!! don't deny yourself, dont erase yourself. your metal health matter and you can be helped)
Excited about future. I see it clearly. I want to stay. I want to believe in the potential I have to offer.
I want to make
the Wanderer project come true.
I want... to organise picnics. I want to organise themed (nostalgic) evenings. A EMO PARTY. I am not even joking... Why people around me do not organise festive and costume party ? I like pretending being someone else for one evening...
Monthly trying to visit my mom, but the house were I used to live is kind of deteriorating.
I offered food, gifts and presents, warm clothes... They haven't touched it. Not even the wrapped presents. I don't understand. The food were rotting. The bag was still there, untouched.
The house were I used to feel safe, I don't feel it anymore. It hurts.
My mother doesn't look very well. My brother is always sick. Always when I visit. I don't understand. I don't think he will live longer, I don't think we will live longer, our family is so weak.
We had a long long discussion as usual with my mom. She wants me to come back, but... I can't. I can not go back to this place, I don't want to. I feel toxicity it the air they breathe. I don't know if I should. Maybe come back to save them, to offer them the positive vibe, healthier way of life, but I also feel like I intoxicated them with it. With my positivity and different energy. I don't know. It hurts.
I feel confused.
Should I move from my place ?
Should I use the money that I spend for my rent to travel ? Am I ready to travel ? Should I study ?
Sometimes I feel motivated to learn so many things and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. But I am not even trying my best to study or finding a job actually.
I try to explain with good words how I feel. I'm trying to find the good weighs of my words. To not hurt people, to make them understand.
But... I don't know what they want from me. I'm trying my best in what I can. I had to run away from this place because I noticed too many bad signs.
It hurts. But I feel safe here.
Sorry for this nonsense speaking, my family is taking over me, my goodwill, my energy, my life choices. It influences me a lot and that's why if I want to think on my own I must distancing myself.
I was feeling gloomy tonight. Then there was an update of journaling and I searched about the roots of Punkrave and found Lithium networks. Absolutely obsessed. Necessity to learn about
...no more tobacco. i smoked pure
I should separate my blog entries from year or month because I am writing with my phone and there is a lag time when I charge the editing page-
Also should I thinking of making titles. To organize...
Watched
Anaïs Nin interview from 1970, and ordered her book, her journal.
Can't wait to read it !! I love to read journal, lonely people always have the most interesting ways to express themselves. I haven't read any Georges Sand's journal yet, but I loved to read all her love adventures in biographies. She is amazing, she is so strong and courageous...
and so today, I wore a dress, long sleeved dress, headress and even a lipsticks. I wanted to walk a little bit outside, the weather is great today.
and also i definitelyu need to burn all these calories i ingest lol tomorrow is the birthday of a friend, we are the last day of April. During my walk, i found some muguet / Convallaria majalis !! I love these little white bell shaped flowers !!!!!!!
They smell so good. I found a lot. The place I went is a kind of garden near my place (they close it at night and open in the morning) where people wander sometimes. It's really romantic, orchards with fruit trees, fields, lake. I saw a frog !!
Last time I went I saw a squirrel. The place is so dreamy. Someone was playing guitar in the fiels lonely. Then I went to buy some eggs. Maybe I'll upload pictures I took with my digital camera
A lovely day with myself.
Hope you had a lovely day too
The Wanderer. Such an important project to me. This will helps me to go out, to give the opportunities of connection. Journalism inspire me, lately, or more the collecting of informations to share it to people. To inform my people.
The day before my travel I tried to stay awake until early morning and left home to stay to a friend's place who lives closer from the station. My mood was weird, I arrived with a very good mood actually then it got worse as time went on. I started to have doubts and struggle a lot to express myself. My friend told me to trust myself, and keep exercising. My only hopes are relying to these last words they told me. August memories, holidays GOT A LOVELY TATTOO FROM Morgane !!!! bambi :heart: i love her omfg verminbreed.ttt The coolest thing is that i got a tattoo of an ironwork i saw from the window of my crushie (agh) so i took it in picture and send it to my artist friend and she did HER BEST to absolutely nailed it in perfection i love them sm sm sm beloved connections between artists...... talented woow guess what i am still alive, and wandering around the world ! exported myself yo Lyon, met Ytrid their personality is really something also their art some abstract calligraphy painting
Goodbye summer
Had an awesome discussion with a friend on dc this morning. People give me hope. Their solarity, or common darkness help me to stay connected with the grounded earth.
I feel ike unlocking new skills in art. Wandered in the forest at 4am with my ghosties.
Participated to a artist market with Mogo and Eze. Posted photographies on @chintoxique (ig archives). Booked my train to travel a little bit far from home.
Saw my good friend C/K, found four little keychains sheep shaped (i'll offer them to my important friend people), discovered kafei in my town and drank a matcha !
Exchanged email with PH, edited photographies.
Falling in love with life again, hope. Taking care of myself and mental health.
This one friend who have unluckily difficult relationships with their parents but still manage to cook for them and try their best. B is a deary friend, always so supportive, we were both nervous to meet up i think, and we talked a lot about Magic cards, coffee making, future and traumas. I sometimes wish I had the audacity and wisdom to be able to steer topics so they don't go round in circles.
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